Ruminations on Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT)

I recently completed a certificate course in providing Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).  EFCT was invented by famed couples therapist Dr. Sue Johnson, and she had the great idea to apply an attachment lens to couples therapy, which EFCT is organized around.  Sue believed that at the heart of a maladaptive communication pattern lies anxiety around attachment within the couple.

The part of the training that resonated with me the most was EFCT's deeper explanation of pursuer/distancer, of which Dr. Johnson applies attachment theory and associated anxieties.  Pursuer/distancer is one of the most common relationship patterns in couples and in families.  It describes that the more anxious someone is, the more they will push (this person is called “the pursuer”), causing the other person to also become anxious or overwhelmed, and subsequently, pull away (this person is called “the distancer”). The pattern can happen in reverse, and the dynamic can vary in intensity. The longer it goes on for, the more intense it can get.  It is quite painful because neither partner is getting their needs met, and it is often kicking up anxiety around attachment.

This dynamic can be explained by this image:

All images: Credit to PESI and Presenters Kathryn de Bruin, Dr. James Hawkins, and Robin Williams Blake.

I love this image.  Notice how it is two different sides of the same coin.  The behaviors appear to different, but the underlying feelings of fear, worry, concern, and inadequacy, are identical.

Furthermore, the training provided a deeper understanding of what might be the internal monologue as it relates to each person's attachment and view of self.  I really enjoyed the depth at which this was explained:

From the withdrawer’s perspective, the image above explains their self-talk around this cycle.

From the pursuer’s side, this slide is a deeper dive into their self-talk and self-perception.

Couples therapy can help to explore and identify these internal monologues, and get them out in the open more, which can in turn, reduce the frequency or intensity of the pursuer/distancer dynamic.